Tuesday, July 12, 2011

This isn’t as easy as it seems

There are a lot of components that go into this situation.  It’s not like Lent and I haven’t been intentionally sacrificing chocolate and now that it’s Easter I can’t wait to stuff my face with chocolate again.  There is a physiological side of this: I have no taste for it.  I have no desire to eat it.  Thirty years of brain circuitry are wired to have zero desire to eat chocolate, strawberries and citrus.  My taste buds are hyper-sensitive because I haven’t spent years eating these things.  There’s an alarm in my head that even shouts “Spit it out! That’s yucky!” when I taste these things.  It’s difficult to override an alarm that was put in place to protect you. 

There is a psychological component to this.  I have had to reconcile myself to the idea of eating these things.  I have to tell myself it is ok to eat it.   It’s bizarre.  There is no protocol for this situation.  I am reacting with repulsion.  After so long with the motto “avoid it like the plague” I can’t just change in an instant.  Moreover, I feel like I should want to eat chocolate and strawberries and citrus now.

I like to think that I am a very self-aware person.  Going through this process has brought up some amazing things for me.  There is a child-like desire that rises up and I want to please people by eating what they offer me. They want me to like it and I want to like it.  Luckily, I’m an adult now and I can say no.  But since I found out I’m no longer allergic, I feel that need to please again creeping up.  People seem to be pushing food on me.  Eat this! Eat this and see what you’ve been missing!  I am trying to remind myself that my life before this was not lacking. I very rarely felt that I was deprived of something because of my allergies.  In some ways it was quite the opposite: I had an iron-clad excuse not to eat something.  Wow, that orange jubilee looks great, Mildred!  You say the secret ingredient is fish oil? Darn, and I’m allergic!

This is a very emotional experience and I’m trying to be as honest as I can about relating my feelings throughout. 

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