There are a lot of components that go into this situation. It’s not like Lent and I haven’t been intentionally sacrificing chocolate and now that it’s Easter I can’t wait to stuff my face with chocolate again. There is a physiological side of this: I have no taste for it. I have no desire to eat it. Thirty years of brain circuitry are wired to have zero desire to eat chocolate, strawberries and citrus. My taste buds are hyper-sensitive because I haven’t spent years eating these things. There’s an alarm in my head that even shouts “Spit it out! That’s yucky!” when I taste these things. It’s difficult to override an alarm that was put in place to protect you.
There is a psychological component to this. I have had to reconcile myself to the idea of eating these things. I have to tell myself it is ok to eat it. It’s bizarre. There is no protocol for this situation. I am reacting with repulsion. After so long with the motto “avoid it like the plague” I can’t just change in an instant. Moreover, I feel like I should want to eat chocolate and strawberries and citrus now.
I like to think that I am a very self-aware person. Going through this process has brought up some amazing things for me. There is a child-like desire that rises up and I want to please people by eating what they offer me. They want me to like it and I want to like it. Luckily, I’m an adult now and I can say no. But since I found out I’m no longer allergic, I feel that need to please again creeping up. People seem to be pushing food on me. Eat this! Eat this and see what you’ve been missing! I am trying to remind myself that my life before this was not lacking. I very rarely felt that I was deprived of something because of my allergies. In some ways it was quite the opposite: I had an iron-clad excuse not to eat something. Wow, that orange jubilee looks great, Mildred! You say the secret ingredient is fish oil? Darn, and I’m allergic!
This is a very emotional experience and I’m trying to be as honest as I can about relating my feelings throughout.